Wednesday, April 2, 2008

A Little Bit of Fun with All Those Unwanted Campaign Emails....

To: David Plouffe, campaign manager
Barack Obama '08
From: A concerned voter
Re: Inappropriate emails

Dear David,

Like many red-blooded women, I've been taken with Barack Obama since his famed speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention — or at least since People magazine snagged those photos of the junior senator from Illinois in his bathing suit.

So naturally, when he started emailing me, I was flattered.

It began innocently enough last April. At first, all he wanted to talk about was politics and the president's impending veto of some Iraq war bill.

BO-ring.

But then, a few days later, he emailed again. This time he definitely got more personal, calling me "dear." I'll admit it: I blushed.

He kept emailing me about twice a month. My heart would leap a little when I'd see his name in my unopened mail, wedged between GapCard Perks and Doctor Dictionary. But I didn't have the nerve to reply. What would I say? A casual mention of my time living on Chicago's south side? It just seemed too contrived. Too obvious.

In June, he emailed with what I thought a rather bold declaration: "I'm turning the rest of this fundraising drive over to you," he said. I was overwhelmed. I had never donated to the campaign, let alone helped fundraise. And to tell you the truth, I sort of forgot about the email (which I felt bad about since I heard later that Hillary beat Barack in fundraising for the first time that quarter.) Oops.

Right before the Fourth holiday, things got intense. He emailed the subject heading "Where we stand." Clearly this was a "Define The Relationship" email. Was he hurt that his previous emails had gone unrequited? He cloaked his true intentions in hidden language. He kept talking about "money." "Together," he wrote, "We've raised a significant amount over the past few months." But I could read between the lines. Obviously in recent months he'd raised a significant amount of feelings toward me.

He only got more aggressive a few weeks later. "A Dinner Invitation." the subject line read. Wasn't he a married man? "I'm looking forward to having dinner with Dorothy, but there are still three seats left at the table. Will you be in one of them?" he asked. I was appalled. Who was Dorothy? And was that all I was to him - another "seat at the table?" (If that's what the congressmen were calling it these days.) Then he got demanding: "If you make a donation by 11:59 pm tonight, you could join us for dinner… Together we can put an end to pay-for-influence politics." I felt confused. If not influence, what exactly WOULD I be paying for? I didn't reply.

Clearly he was angered by my rebuff. He didn't email me for a month. Then in September I saw his name and a subject that read simply: "Hey." But the email was far from nonchalant. "I'm just now leaving New York, and you've got me all fired up." His crush was bigger than ever. I still didn't know where he knew me from. (Had I forgotten to take those pictures off Facebook?!) He mentioned something about a rally and said he needed some money, which sounded a bit too much like my deadbeat ex-boyfriend. "More soon," he signed off. More what?

Then a few days before Christmas, I got an email from Michelle Obama. I went pale. Did she know about her husband's illicit emails to me? If she did, she was playing coy. Very coy. The subject read: "Our Tree" and inside was a video of the happy family sitting around a Christmas tree. Was this her subtle way of telling me "Back off Bitch?" Or was she playing the guilt-card, throwing those two adorable children in my face? Clever. "I'd like to share a special holiday greeting from our family to yours," she wrote. I could almost see the icicles forming on the words. She wanted to thank me for my "hospitality." I had not shown her husband any part of my hospitality — we'd never even met! He was emailing ME!

Barack's titillating emails started up again just a few weeks ago. On January 9, I found an email from him titled "We knew this would be hard." The next day, an even more flippant: "Something Big." A week later: "That was fast."

Now David, I realize a scandal is the last thing Barack needs right now, so I wanted to send this to you privately, hoping we could resolve this. Could you please ask the Senator to stop emailing me? Tell him I'm flattered really, and that if we were both single it might be a different story. And please tell him that, despite everything, he probably has my vote (although I live in Washington, D.C....sorry). Oh, and one more thing: I read the other day that Hillary's campaign is sending out mass emails to donors to ask for money and offer incentives to join her team. If Barack's hurting for money, he might try emailing a bunch of supporters, instead of just me. But if he does, tell him to keep it professional, okay?

No comments: